Love Diary

6.11.2011 (Sun) 00:31am

Six months and three days

I woke up from a nightmare, my heart beating so fast. I couldn’t stop thinking he’s not here anymore. He’s no longer beside me. It has been six months and yes, three days. But the past is still haunting me. In the past, one night, I would call him when I woke up from a nightmare, and the other night, I would call him just because I couldn’t sleep. And then we would talk for the whole night. Now, there is no one who would talk to me when I need to. Things change; the world changes; he changes too.

For a woman, love is her whole life. When she gives up her love, she gives up her life. For a man, love is just a part of his life. When he gives up his love, he just tries to forget that part of his life, called love. I am a woman who gave up her love; NO, I didn’t give up, he’s the one who gave up our love. I try to forget the past but I can’t. I wonder how about him. Has he forgotten our love, our past?

I am like a robot without a control system. My life is a mess without him. I still remember that every morning, he would call me to wake up and he would sometimes pick me up to have breakfast together. Now, I would stay up late all night writing and get up late in the morning. I would stay and write in my apartment all day disconnecting with the outside world. Sometimes, I would go to the places with memories from past half-consciously. He once said I could never control myself doing whatever I want.

If I were a wild flower with thorns, he might be someone who desired to pick me but got hurt by my thorns. Is it my fault that I have thorns? Is it his fault to hate thorns? Or is it our destiny that we cannot be together? There may not be an answer to these questions, but our story has ended and that’s the truth even if I can’t still accept it yet. 

I have to pass another one more day without him. I have to learn to live without him. I’m trying and trying and still it’s really hard to get over.

Titan